


Small Bump

by girlinterrupted



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressing, F/M, Fatherhood, Miscarriage, Other, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-14
Updated: 2013-01-14
Packaged: 2017-11-25 12:49:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/639084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlinterrupted/pseuds/girlinterrupted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry contemplates his future fatherhood. Inspired by Ed Sheeran's song <a href="http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/edsheeran/smallbump.html">Small Bump</a>. This is honestly really depressing for me so I'm sorry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Small Bump

Snowflakes drifted down from the grey clouds above. It was so cold outside, and Harry was thankful for the warmth from his gloves and earmuffs. The temperature would be unbearable without them. The world was quiet, and at this time of night, he was almost positive that everyone else had gone to sleep. Maybe he should have been sleeping too, but walking helped him think. He didn’t want to think, yet he wanted to all the same. Slowly, he walked through an empty park. Snow covered jungle gyms looked like deteriorating fossils of a different way of life: a life of children.

He remembered the summer when the park would echo with laughter. Even from blocks away, he could hear them. There would be little girls with pig-tails and dresses, and little girls with toy cars. There would be little boys playing it tough on the monkey bars, and little boys building castles in the sand. They’d laugh and smile with each other. It was all he wanted: to be a dad. It wasn’t something he had always known he wanted, and he hadn’t realized it until accidentally diving into the title four months ago.

Summer was gone, though.

Wiping snow off a bench, he sat, staring at the fossilizing jungle gym. His clothes were covered with little, glistening flakes that reflected the light from the park’s lights. It was awful to cry in such weather because the tears nearly froze as they fell, but he couldn’t keep them from falling any longer. His bottom lip trembled, and his gloved hands wiped tears off of his pink cheeks. A copy of an ultrasound picture was pulled from his pocket. It was his baby; it was a photograph of a perfect human being.

A small smile formed on his lips as he thought about the child. _You,_ he thought to himself as he ran a finger across the face of the baby in the photograph, _are not inside me, but my entire future is in you. Your little fingers can wrap around my thumb, and you’ll hold onto me so tight because you’ll be so strong. I’ll tell you nothing but the truth. I’ll be the greatest father in the world to you, I promise._

He imagined kissing tiny hands and tiny feet all the while hearing the soft sound of baby giggles. In the future, there would be a curly-haired little kid running around with dimpled cheeks. It could have been only months from then. He wasn’t sure if he had ever loved someone so much in his entire life, and it fascinated him that he could love someone so much that he had never met. Maybe the baby would have her eyes, and maybe the baby would laugh like she did.

All that mattered was that the baby knew how much he loved them. They could lie with him, half-asleep, and he’d keep them safe and warm. When crashing thunder storms or horrifying nightmares woke them up in the middle of the night, they could climb into bed with daddy. He’d hold them tight and stay awake until they fell back asleep. He’d be as gentle as he could be.

The future was so close yet so far away. After wiping more freezing tears off of his cheeks, he clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut. Staring at the picture wasn’t making anything better. The pain was so overwhelming. His eyes began to turn red, and he couldn’t help but to keep looking at that ultrasound. _You know I’ll sing to you anytime you want me to, and I’ll whisper quietly to you any lullaby or bedtime story you want to hear. You are my one and only._

It was all he could do to keep himself from curling up on that park bench and sobbing. He was a pathetic sight, and he knew it. Luckily, the world was cold and asleep around him. No one was around to watch him breaking down. He wiped some falling snowflakes and tears off the ultrasound picture. He wondered what color of eyes they would have. He wondered if they were a boy or a girl, and if they were the kind of child that loved pig-tails and dress, racecars, jungle gyms, or sand boxes.

He wondered what kind of cake he would get them for their first birthday, and he wondered what teaching them to ride their first bike would be like. All he wanted was to hear the fumbling first pronunciation of “I love you Daddy.” The first four months of pregnancy had been perfect in every way: he bought a nice crib and went to every single doctor’s appointment.

No longer could he keep himself from sobbing. He brought his knees to his chest, dug his face into his hands and just cried. This was the kind of cry that took away his ability to breathe normally. Nothing but time and exhaustion could bring him out of that state. “Oh my god,” he whimpered. The tears stung his frozen cheeks. Squeezing his eyes as tightly as he could, he bit down hard on his bottom lip. He could taste the metallic taste of blood; even the smallest bit of pain from the breaking of thin paper-like skin reminded him that he was alive.

For the first time, he spoke out loud to the baby in the picture, “You were just a little baby. For four months I loved you, I loved you so much,” his voice cracked, “For four months then you were torn from life, and I don’t know why….” He took a deep, desperate breath, “I don’t know why.” His heart ached so badly. The future he wanted so badly was taken away from him, and he realized he would never know what gender the child would be, or what color their eyes would be, or what it would feel like to hold their tiny hand in his. All he had was his plans.

The park around him was filled with summer memories of children, but the snow had fallen. The summer was gone, and the children were gone. 


End file.
